Mulling over anonymity, writing, and life without Effexor.
06.12.04 (11:35 am) [edit]
I've neglected this blog for about a week or so--or has it been longer? I've been peeking in now and then to see if there have been any comments, or as though I'm expecting something to change independently of my doing it. Like I think I'll load the page and see a new entry or new graphics or something, even though I personally haven't added any.
I'm officially Effexor-free now--it's been about two weeks since I took my last pill. I'm trying to refrain from being overdramatic or self-righteous about this. It's strange to be on so little medication (just a thyroid med I take once a day for hypothyroidism) after taking a minor constellation of pills and supplements almost every day for so long. At one point, not so long ago, I was taking
It made me feel old--I'm only 27; I'm not ready to be swallowing a handful of pills every day.
I just told you my age, which brings me to something else I've been thinking about. I've been very private and anonymous in this blog, to some degree. If you read everything I've written so far, you'll know that I'm female, that I'm married, and maybe a small collection of little details relating to my experiences with Effexor. But don't think I've said anything about what I do for work, what my family is like, whether I live in a small town or a big city, or even a whole lot about what I've been thinking and feeling. Sure, I wrote about several mini-breakdowns I had during the withdrawal process, about hurting myself and calling a suicide hotline. But aside from reporting those gory details--details which, in this context, call up mighty flames of indignance over the negligence of pharmaceutical companies to make a drug that might cause pain it was designed to prevent--I haven't really spent much time writing about the other personal factors that produce my self-destructive behavior.
So now that I'm done with thing that I was documenting, I'm not quite sure what to do with this blog. Obviously, my problems haven't evaporated now that the FXR is out of my system. In fact, I'm feeling a lot of my old anxiety and neuroses marching back into my brain again. How do I deal with that again? For example, last night I think I MAY have said something unintentionally offensive to someone (who taught a series of workshops that I took) that I really like and respect--and I've been hung up on it ever since. I had bad dreams; I've had a tense, worried, guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach for hours. That didn't happen on Effexor. I just have to figure out how to deal with this "raw" now.
I think I'll be fine; I think I'll be better. But I'm still up in the air about what to do with this space--the blog. Of course I'll still leave it up--but part of me wants to not keep coming back and adding to it. I want to get over this yucky little section of my life.
What do you think?
I'm officially Effexor-free now--it's been about two weeks since I took my last pill. I'm trying to refrain from being overdramatic or self-righteous about this. It's strange to be on so little medication (just a thyroid med I take once a day for hypothyroidism) after taking a minor constellation of pills and supplements almost every day for so long. At one point, not so long ago, I was taking
- 300mg/day Effexor
- .112 Synthroid (I now take 150 Armour)
- 60mg/day Strattera (for ADD-like symptoms)
- Glucophage (don't remember dosage; was for suspected
- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)
- Evening Primrose Oil
- Fish oil capsules
- Selenium
- Vitamin B complex
- Calcium/magnesium
- Vitamins A,C,D,E
It made me feel old--I'm only 27; I'm not ready to be swallowing a handful of pills every day.
I just told you my age, which brings me to something else I've been thinking about. I've been very private and anonymous in this blog, to some degree. If you read everything I've written so far, you'll know that I'm female, that I'm married, and maybe a small collection of little details relating to my experiences with Effexor. But don't think I've said anything about what I do for work, what my family is like, whether I live in a small town or a big city, or even a whole lot about what I've been thinking and feeling. Sure, I wrote about several mini-breakdowns I had during the withdrawal process, about hurting myself and calling a suicide hotline. But aside from reporting those gory details--details which, in this context, call up mighty flames of indignance over the negligence of pharmaceutical companies to make a drug that might cause pain it was designed to prevent--I haven't really spent much time writing about the other personal factors that produce my self-destructive behavior.
So now that I'm done with thing that I was documenting, I'm not quite sure what to do with this blog. Obviously, my problems haven't evaporated now that the FXR is out of my system. In fact, I'm feeling a lot of my old anxiety and neuroses marching back into my brain again. How do I deal with that again? For example, last night I think I MAY have said something unintentionally offensive to someone (who taught a series of workshops that I took) that I really like and respect--and I've been hung up on it ever since. I had bad dreams; I've had a tense, worried, guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach for hours. That didn't happen on Effexor. I just have to figure out how to deal with this "raw" now.
I think I'll be fine; I think I'll be better. But I'm still up in the air about what to do with this space--the blog. Of course I'll still leave it up--but part of me wants to not keep coming back and adding to it. I want to get over this yucky little section of my life.
What do you think?
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (10:04 am)
This is my first full day without taking any effexor i was taking 75mg for approx 18mths and have tapered down to approx 7mg per day over the course of about 3 months i have done this very very slowly and now i am curious to see what the next few days/weeks will be like for me i just have to wait and see...but i just wanted to say that effexor withdrawal is obviously a terrible thing but i think this drug helped me a great deal when i needed it the most and i think it is very successful for a lot of people who may not be able to live normal lives without it...there is a problem of withdrawal and it shouldnt happen but i think ppl need to see the benefits it has as well..but then again this is my first day without it so time will tell lol im trying to keep a positive frame of mind..
posted by: minnow (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (10:47 am)
i just read your thoughts on this site about wanting to move on from this experience and i completely understand. i happened to find your site while i was going off of effexor and was on the same titrating schedule as you, so needless to say, you and your site were really really helpful to me in many ways. i often wondered who and where you are. (somehow i imagined brooklyn, i guess because your story of riding your bike to the art store.... and brooklyn is where i saw you in my mind) i can understand that you want to move past this phase and this emphasis on medication and speculation and constant sluething of cause and effect. i have not taken effexor for about three weeks now and i dont like talking about it, i dont like when friends or family ask me if i am still taking it or how its going getting off of it, to me i want the whole topic to be a closed book because it seems like the more attention i give to it, the more power i give to it. i also dont want depression, medication and its effects or noneffects to be MY STORY. it seems like thats become my "thing". i dont want this to be my defining story. i have so much more in me to share and give than being a depressed girl and my big struggle with it! i have still checked in on your site though every day or so because i came to care about you and your equal exit from effexor. i can understand that you would want to end your story here. (at least for now) maybe you could leave the information for people and the comments as well open for people wanting to share their experiences? ...that way all of your experiences will still be here to help people and it will still be an forum but you wont have to be so attached to it. by the way, i have had a hard time with my pre-effexor symptoms returning (mini-obsessions, unflinchlingly self critical, and yes, depression) now that i am off of effexor. BUT i dont want that to discourage anyone, thats just where i am with myself and in my life. one thing that worked so well when i first went on effexor is that i was working so hard along with it to feel better, in therapy, doing yoga, writing, and consciously making smart and positive choices. i have not been able to remain drug free since going off of effexor and i feel badly about it but i am trying to accept that i still need that kind of help. (ive just begun taking zoloft) mostly i just wanted to tell you that this site was so helpful while i was going through that terrible time of withdrawal symptoms. thank you for all of your insights and stories and information from wherever you are, even if its not brooklyn.
posted by: brainzaps (reply)
post date: 06.12.04 (11:13 am)
Reply to: minnow
minnow, your comment made me cry! (in a good way.) and sorry, i'm not actually in brooklyn :)--although i do have several friends there. i'm in miami. (surprise, surprise!) not a very bike-friendly place, but i try to pretend it is. :)
i relate almost EXACTLY to what you're saying about not wanting medication, side effects, depression, etc. to be "MY STORY." sometimes i feel like working with it and exploring it more, but at the same time, it is just one part of who i am and i don't think it will be healthy for me to continue to put a lot of emphasis on it--in my art, in my research, in the way i think about myself.
i am so glad this site helped you. it's one of the positive things about these past few months--hearing from other people has been so great and validating. i do have an email acct for this blog that i don't use much, but do check every now and then--if you want to get in touch, you can email me at brainzaps at yahoo dot com. (spelled out to throw off spammers.)
thanks for your kind comments--and i really mean it about getting in touch, if you want to!
posted by: Toad (reply)
post date: 06.13.04 (4:21 am)
if you feel the need to move on then it shall be. I've found you blog helpful even if I still take the evil drug.
yesterday i worked and i didn't have my meds with me so i was 6 hours off schedule. For some reason i had a burst of energy was a nice change. but i did feel funny. you probably know.
thanks again for all your input on this blog.
posted by: myhairhurts (reply)
post date: 06.13.04 (5:17 am)
Good to know a little more about you...I'm 41, single and if you could believe it a Doctor..I've have been aggressive and short tempered with little to no tolerance for mistakes or any opinion that differs from mine. I've been a bit of an a-hole! :) My staff is about to string me up by my you know whats if I don't at least try to lighten up...(I've told them of my FXR w/d) The zaps still come but not as frequently and I'm finding that MANY of my patients are on this stuff!!!!!! I'm sharing with them (to their astonishment that I was on it) and they are more than appreciative. Even though psychopharmacology is not my field, I'm speaking to them as a friend and fellow human. I find myself cleaning my apt. a lot so that's an OK side effect but I feel so much better emotionally that I'm completetly off meds. My body and joints are the last thing that still aches and I'm going back to the gym. I'm not drinking as I've become a light-weight again. It's cheaper!!!! Anyway, I can't thank you enough for the blog and I will continue to add to it when info presents itself.. BE WELL!!
posted by: heatheranne (reply)
post date: 06.13.04 (3:17 pm)
I hope you decide to keep the blog going. There's so many other things to talk about. You can even change the title of the blog. I don't blog as often as I'd like because I don't think I have anything interesting to say at times. But sometimes the blogs that say nothing are the most interesting.
posted by: Warbride (reply)
post date: 09.03.04 (4:46 pm)
Hey there. you've only been off the Effexor for a short while yet. Did you know it can take up to 6 months to get really free of the residual effects? Don't be so hard on yourself. You are probably hyper sensitive about your actions and still dealing with anxiety symptoms. Have some rescue remedy and valerian on hand in case of panic attacks and keep looking after yourself for a few more months until it really has all gone. You will be ok. Just go easy on yourself. You are an angel for creating this site. It will help others deal with their pain. You've done good, girl! xxx
posted by: Old Football Coach (reply)
post date: 01.10.05 (9:58 pm)
Hi Brainzaps.
Thanks so very much for the "gifts" that you have left behind. I have tried several times in the past 3 years to withdraw from my "fix" of 150mg of effexor/day. I went through the "normal" withdrawal schedule set forth by my doctor--usually cutting dose in half each 5 days until down to ZERO -and always experiencing the same symtoms-- BRAIN ZAPS! It was hard to explain these to a layperson but kind of like hitting your "Crazy Bone", ulnar nerve, only right in the middle of my brain. I thought it might be the depression coming back so immediately asked to build up to the magic 150 spot again. I know now after doing my own research that I am going through withdrawal symtoms like so many others have had to endure. Thank you all for sharing your pain and triumphs in this and other sites. I will plan out a very slow and structured process by which I will come off the drug this time along with one or two of the other suggestions given. Thanks again to everyone and blessings to all!
posted by: wilhide2005 (reply)
post date: 03.15.05 (4:19 pm)
I'M ALSO AN EFFEXOR-MADE MONSTER TRYING TO GET OFF THIS STUFF. ACTUALLY, THE MENTAL HEALTH WORKERS LET ME RUN OUT AND CAN'T GET THEIR PAPERS AND SHIT TOGETHER SO THAT I CAN GET SOME MORE. I'M HAVING BRAIN ZAPS RIGHT NOW AND WHAT HURTS THE WORST IS THAT MY FAMILY DON'T UNDERSTAND. I HOPE THEY NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ON THIS STUFF. THE NIGHTMARES ARE ENOUGH TO KILL ME
posted by: david (reply)
post date: 04.23.05 (11:11 am)
I began my withdrawal from 300 mlgs of Effexor last December. It may have possibly been earlier than that. After experiencing months of those horrible withdrawal symptoms we know of I have ben left feeling like I have been run over and thrown to the dogs. Emotionally, I am a wreck. I wake up each day feeling the same. In addition, i have beendealing with physical ailments such as shingles, an absess that is taking forever to heal in the most inappropriate place.
I'v asked my therapists to put me back on Effexor having come to the conclusion that I was functioning better on it. He expressed to me that the dosage I was on may have been too high and could have increased my anxiety and overall sense of depression. I am lost as to what to do yet feel quite desperate that something has to be done. Is this common?