I yelled at some poor man for no good reason.
05.31.04 (10:18 pm) [edit]
So I had a really bad night last night, but awoke feeling a little better and determined to make something of my day. I wanted to get some exercise, as others posting here have suggested it helps a lot with withdrawal effects. And I just need to exercise more in general.
This morning I took this herbal anti-motion sickness/nausea stuff called Clear Motion (some info is at http://www.outletnutrition.co...). I found it at the drugstore when I was looking for Bonine, another (non-herbal) anti-nausea medication which has also been recommended by readers. I liked the idea that it wouldn't cause drowsiness, and I've been taking it regularly (2-3x/day) for the past three days or so and it really seems to help.
Feeling vaguely dizzy, but fortified (at least psychologically, anyway) by my supplements, a non-quease-inducing breakfast, and a forced-on good attitude, I set off on my bike to a nearby strip mall to buy some fabric for a project. Riding my bike felt pretty good while I was doing it, but as soon as I stopped I felt dizzy and queasy. That may have partially been from not having ridden for awhile and being out of shape. :oops: But I tried to stay in motion--walking seems to help a lot too.
Two or so hours later, I felt ready to go home, and also really withdrawal-ish. I don't know if the Clear Motion stuff or the endorphins from the bike ride wore off or what, but I suddenly got into full brainzap, waves of face numbness, paranoid, burst-out-crying withdrawal mode. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of a busy grocery store lugging around a basket of produce when this happened. I started feeling claustrophobic about being in a place with so many people around, and also really anxious about the idea of having to ride my bike home in this state, and tried calling my husband several times from my cel. Grrrr!!! No answer.
I ditched my basket of groceries in the health and beauty aisle, bought a bottle of water, and left the store. I had to get out of there. I was feeling increasingly crazed and panicky. I was afraid I was going to burst out crying in front of all these strangers. I found a bench outside and sat down to rest and figure out what to do next. Two other people eventually came and sat down on the bench as well, which freaked me out--I didn't even want to be NEAR any other people--and I got up and started walking.
This is the part that freaked me out. I'm normally more or less a stickler for politeness with strangers, even if it's just tight-lipped little smiles if I accidentally make eye contact. I've never been one to heckle people or cuss out the car window in traffic; if I become annoyed with someone in the checkout line, I'm more likely to do something passive-aggressively rude than anything else (loud sighs, unfriendly tight-lipped little smiles, a subtle nostril flare). Anyway, this man had been standing around in front of the grocery store trying to get people to register to vote for the past several hours. He'd already asked me once (I'd politely declined; I don't vote due to religious beliefs.). I imagine he'd seen so many people walk by that day that he wasn't remembering specific faces--so as I walked by, he asked me again.
"Ma'am, can I register you to vote today?" he asked. I kept walking, turning my face towards him only slightly, mostly staring straight ahead the whole time, and YELLED--yep, almost at the top of my lungs; I heard my voice echoing louder with each word, bouncing off the metal and concrete of the strip mall walkway--"No, and you ASKED ME ALREADY ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO!!!"
I immediately felt pained, stupid, hot with embarassment. It was like opening your mouth to talk and burping really loud instead--but worse. I walked faster, staring straight ahead, wondering how many people had heard and were wondering what was wrong with the crazy bitch with the red backpack. The man was saying, not angrily, but firmly, surprised by my outburst, "I'm sorry, I have a bad memory." He said something else, but I don't remember what it was. I was mortified--nobody standing on their feet for hours in public doing something constructive deserves to be yelled at like that. I wanted to cry, and get away from all the people before I did something else crazy.
I felt too unstable to ride my bike home. I had brief visions of myself getting angry and throwing myself into traffic. I walked back to the sidewalk through the parking lot instead of back through the walkway; I was too embarassed and angry and freaked out to walk past the poor voter registration guy again. I considered catching a bus, but then I'd have to be around people. I decided to walk home instead. Walking would calm me down, hopefully, and it wasn't that far.
It helped. By the time I got home, about twenty minutes later, I felt a lot better. I took another Clear Motion and some evening primrose oil, drank a bunch of water, told my husband about what happened, and tried to relax.
As long as I sit still, I'm OK. Anything stressful makes it worse. I'm hanging in there. I just want this to be over. I'm going to bed soon.
Good night.
This morning I took this herbal anti-motion sickness/nausea stuff called Clear Motion (some info is at http://www.outletnutrition.co...). I found it at the drugstore when I was looking for Bonine, another (non-herbal) anti-nausea medication which has also been recommended by readers. I liked the idea that it wouldn't cause drowsiness, and I've been taking it regularly (2-3x/day) for the past three days or so and it really seems to help.
Feeling vaguely dizzy, but fortified (at least psychologically, anyway) by my supplements, a non-quease-inducing breakfast, and a forced-on good attitude, I set off on my bike to a nearby strip mall to buy some fabric for a project. Riding my bike felt pretty good while I was doing it, but as soon as I stopped I felt dizzy and queasy. That may have partially been from not having ridden for awhile and being out of shape. :oops: But I tried to stay in motion--walking seems to help a lot too.
Two or so hours later, I felt ready to go home, and also really withdrawal-ish. I don't know if the Clear Motion stuff or the endorphins from the bike ride wore off or what, but I suddenly got into full brainzap, waves of face numbness, paranoid, burst-out-crying withdrawal mode. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of a busy grocery store lugging around a basket of produce when this happened. I started feeling claustrophobic about being in a place with so many people around, and also really anxious about the idea of having to ride my bike home in this state, and tried calling my husband several times from my cel. Grrrr!!! No answer.
I ditched my basket of groceries in the health and beauty aisle, bought a bottle of water, and left the store. I had to get out of there. I was feeling increasingly crazed and panicky. I was afraid I was going to burst out crying in front of all these strangers. I found a bench outside and sat down to rest and figure out what to do next. Two other people eventually came and sat down on the bench as well, which freaked me out--I didn't even want to be NEAR any other people--and I got up and started walking.
This is the part that freaked me out. I'm normally more or less a stickler for politeness with strangers, even if it's just tight-lipped little smiles if I accidentally make eye contact. I've never been one to heckle people or cuss out the car window in traffic; if I become annoyed with someone in the checkout line, I'm more likely to do something passive-aggressively rude than anything else (loud sighs, unfriendly tight-lipped little smiles, a subtle nostril flare). Anyway, this man had been standing around in front of the grocery store trying to get people to register to vote for the past several hours. He'd already asked me once (I'd politely declined; I don't vote due to religious beliefs.). I imagine he'd seen so many people walk by that day that he wasn't remembering specific faces--so as I walked by, he asked me again.
"Ma'am, can I register you to vote today?" he asked. I kept walking, turning my face towards him only slightly, mostly staring straight ahead the whole time, and YELLED--yep, almost at the top of my lungs; I heard my voice echoing louder with each word, bouncing off the metal and concrete of the strip mall walkway--"No, and you ASKED ME ALREADY ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO!!!"
I immediately felt pained, stupid, hot with embarassment. It was like opening your mouth to talk and burping really loud instead--but worse. I walked faster, staring straight ahead, wondering how many people had heard and were wondering what was wrong with the crazy bitch with the red backpack. The man was saying, not angrily, but firmly, surprised by my outburst, "I'm sorry, I have a bad memory." He said something else, but I don't remember what it was. I was mortified--nobody standing on their feet for hours in public doing something constructive deserves to be yelled at like that. I wanted to cry, and get away from all the people before I did something else crazy.
I felt too unstable to ride my bike home. I had brief visions of myself getting angry and throwing myself into traffic. I walked back to the sidewalk through the parking lot instead of back through the walkway; I was too embarassed and angry and freaked out to walk past the poor voter registration guy again. I considered catching a bus, but then I'd have to be around people. I decided to walk home instead. Walking would calm me down, hopefully, and it wasn't that far.
It helped. By the time I got home, about twenty minutes later, I felt a lot better. I took another Clear Motion and some evening primrose oil, drank a bunch of water, told my husband about what happened, and tried to relax.
As long as I sit still, I'm OK. Anything stressful makes it worse. I'm hanging in there. I just want this to be over. I'm going to bed soon.
Good night.